


Danielle is Dead

by creativityatbest



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Acceptance, Angst, Brief description of depression, Coming Out, Crying, F/M, Fluff, M/M, Other, Surgery, Trans, Transgender
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-20
Updated: 2016-01-20
Packaged: 2018-05-15 05:51:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5773783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/creativityatbest/pseuds/creativityatbest
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Danielle is dead, long live Daniel. He was 15 when everything fell into place and now, tens years later. He has enough money to make the change. But how will the world react to Daniel?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Everyone always says the mirror makes them look more beautiful.

They bash cameras and low quality videos for making their voices deeper or they’re faces distorted or anything in that nature.

To me the camera and low quality videos are a safe place, a place where I can look at myself and think, wow I really look like a boy. They are the only things that make me look the way I want to look.

Which is why I’m standing before a mirror, fist clenched into a fist and trying not to take a swing at the reflective glass showing me my image, what I am on the outside. The lie I’ve been born into.

When I was little my sister and I used to place fairytale games, she being the dashing princess with a sparkling pink dress and me. The knight dressed all in gray with a sword and shield. I would save her from my big brother, the evil dragon, and together we’d run off into the sunset.

The problem with this was I refused to remove the costume, when my mother tried to dress me in the sparkly dress instead I wriggled out of it. My brother always handing me a pair of slacks and button down when my mother bore down on me.

The dresses made me cry for a reason I did not understand as a 7 year old. The idea of long hair and make-up and other things society claims are girly made me sad. I think my mom thought I was going through a rebellious phase, hell I thought I was going through a rebellious phase.

That was until the summer of my 15 birthday when I found a Myspace group called ‘Pansexual Awareness.’

At first I thought it being some kitchen fetish thing and avoided it completely, this being until Phil started talking to me and he told me has was pansexual.

I worked up to courage to ask him what the fuck pansexaul meant and Phil explained to me it was liking all genders.

Even after 30 mintues of asking I was still confused. 'Isn’t that just bisexuality?’

Then Phil said no and told me the one thing that changed my entire life. He taught me about the different genders, transgender, agender, gender queer, all of them. I had to log off Skype earlier because it all clicked that day.

Now, 10 years later, here I am, still a girl, still uncomfortable with myself, still wrong.

I could feel the tears growing in my eyes. My fist uncurling and the check between my fingers drifting towards the floor.

The slip of paper came yesterday in the mail, payment for Phil and I’s last radio show, as usual we got halves and today I turned it into my account to see the number that toke the breath from my lungs.

$50,000. 10 years of waiting and here I am, $50,000 for the operation.

The number felt like a curse and a blessing, I could be me now, I could walk confidently in my own shoes for the first time. No more tears and turmoil. Then I remembered the worst is yet to come, I still have to tell everyone my parents, my friends, the fans, Phil.

Grabbing my breasts I spread them far apart as I can, looking at the short lived flatness of my chest

Doing this always makes me feel so pathetic, like the scum of the god damn Earth. Yet it also makes me want to cry because there’s what I’m going to look like soon. As a boy.

“Hey bear. What’s wrong?” A pair of arms wrap around my waist and a mass of black hair appears on my shoulder. I gasp in surprise, jumping as Phil pulls me close.

“Nothing. And don’t scare me like that you pogonia.” I tease, ruffling his hair a bit.

“Pogonia? You’re comebacks are getting weak my love.”

“Shut up.” I let out a breathy laugh, realizing how weird I must’ve looked not three seconds ago.

“Don’t hate me, I’m just here to ask why you looked so insecure just then.”

I freeze at the mention of before, feeling the blood drain from my face. I can’t tell him, not yet. Not now.

“I wasn’t– I wasn’t acting insecure are you blind Phil?” I force myself to laugh.

“Sure. Sure.” Phil kisses the bottom of my chin lightly before going on. “Now, what’s really going on? Do you think you’re boobs are too small. Because I think they’re perfect.”

I can feel the tears start to pool in my eyes before I can stop them. Phil likes my boobs, what if that’s all he likes me for? What if I tell him and he leaves me or tells me I’m sick in the head for feeling this way? I can deal with the entire world hating on me but not Phil, never Phil.

“Love? Wha-” Phil begins to ask before I collapse to the floor, tears streaming down my face. Phil comes with, tightening his grip on me.

“Stop touching me! Please, please just stop.” I scramble from his embrace, backing against the bathroom wall breathing heavily. It feels like my throat is being ripped apart and I can’t bring myself to speak. He’ll hate me I know he will.

“Dani-”

“DON’T CALL ME THAT!” I screech, covering my ears.

Danielle Danielle Danielle. They’ll always call me Danielle, I’ll always be Danielle. Nobody will ever know.

Phil grows silent, standing and mimicking my movements on the opposing wall.

Daniel, that’s all I want, to be Daniel.

“I’m going to bed.” I choke from my throat, rushing for the door. “Don’t follow me.”

I don’t sleep.

-~-

6 hours later when I’m certain Phil has fallen asleep I begin my plan.

Creeping from my bed I tiptoe towards the bathroom, noticing with a rush of guilt all the beer and wine bottles gracing the kitchen counter while I swipe the scissors.

It’s peacefully silent as the scissors slice through my hair, I feel far away and distant. Wathcing in the mirror as each swipe takes another chunk, they fall around me like confetti, welcoming my new self into the world.

Clumps of brown and black fall to my feet, tickling the bare skin. I work quickly, keeping my fringe in place while working blindly on the back.

slice slice slice

Soon enough I place the scissors on my desk and asses the damage. It looks good, I thought I’d somehow destroy the whole thing but I look moderately nice. Gathering up all the hair I can I dump it into the waste basket and head for the shower.

“Dan?” A exhausted, slurred voice comes from my right and I look over to meet Phil’s tired eyes.

“Phil!” I scream, hands instinctively flying to my hair and pure panic making my whole body turn cold.

“What did you–?” Phil asks, dropping a bottle of beer from his hand to run it through my short hair.

I stay silent, letting him look over my new haircut and fighting to keep my breath from stopping completely. My throat tightens and I know this is it, he knows now, it will click any second.

“You look beautiful as always.” Phil mutters, kissing me softly before brushing his fingers through my hair gently again.

“Beautiful? How can you say that? You hate me now? Do you not know what I am? Phil are you to drunk to understand? How can you love me?” I snap, tears coming back no matter how hard I try to keep them away.

“Do you want me to call you Danielle?” Phil answers, wrapping his arms around my waist and pulling me into a large hug.

“No. I really don’t.” I answer honestly, fisting his collar and burying my face in his neck.

“What would you like me to call you love?”

“Daniel, or Dans fine. And maybe – if it’s not too much of a hassle – he?”

“Daniel. I like it simple. And calling you what you are is never going to be a hassle, trust me.”

The tears are really flowing now and I mutter. “So you don’t… hate me?”

“How could I hate you? I love you, I love the person you are in here.” Phil kisses my forehead softly before continuing. “And I will continue to love you until I get killed in a freak bear mulling accident.”

“You dork.” I whisper, voice cracking.

“Dan and Phil. I like it. Though we have the most common names of all time.”

“Wedding planners hate us. Old men from the 1950’s with the same names despise us. We’re are Dan and Phil.” I sob a little harder.

“Don’t worry, old men from the 1950’s are going to die soon anyway.”

“Phillip! That’s rude you know!”

“I don’t really care Daniel.”

The mention of my name makes my chest warm and more tears fill my vision. “I love you you pogonia.”

“I love you too bear.”

And with that I think telling the rest of the world will be easier, with Phil my side I am invincible, an unstoppable force. We’ll keep each other safe and always and no matter what gets thrown at us we’ll pull through.

Together.  


	2. Chapter 2

Six days later Phil and I shuffled into their cramped train tickets, two suitcases awkwardly creating a barrier between them.

My hands have been shaking since we left and house and I awkwardly adjusted my sweater for the 70th time.

A few days I bought a binder that came express yet with my less-than-broad shoulders and heart shaped face I seriously doubted I looked anything like a boy. Despite Phil’s never ending claims.

“Are you sure about this?” Phil asked when we settled in at the last seat.

“Of course. They probably know by now anyway.” I tried to laugh but it came out as an awkward squeak.

“Really? How?” Phil asks, moving a suitcase to his lap so we can look at each other.

“I never really… acted like a girl around them. I didn’t exactly try to hide it either, I think I cried once when somebody called me a perfect little girl one time.”

“Oh, Dan I’m sorry. If you don’t mind me asking, how long have you known?” Phil sets both suitcases on his side now so we’re pressed together in the seat.

I swallow uncomfortably, my hand reaching up to rearrange my new haircut – Phil toke me to get my hair cut after we saw the mess I created blindly, in the end I just got the exact same one as him. “Well, remember when you told me what a pansexual is?”

Phil nods, the action giving me enough strength to continue.

“Well I looked up what a transexual is and bam. I knew.”

“Dan, you’ve been keeping it a secret this long?” Phil asks sympathetically, leaning forward to press a chaste kiss to my cheekbone.

All I can do is nod, trying my hardest not to cry again. I’ve been crying so much lately.

Phil’s arm wraps around my shoulder and pulls my head to his shoulder. Immediately I curl up into his side and hug his arm.

“Just try to sleep okay? You’ll be better if you meet them fully rested.” Phil explains, burying his face in the side of my hair and a happy sigh escapes him.

I nod, moving closer to him and letting my eyes fall shut.

-~-

I’m scared. No other feeling in my head, this is pure, horrifying, abundant, fear and I can’t seem to calm down.

Phil is trying his hardest to console me and as much as I appreciate it’s doing jack to my nerves.

We’re walking down the train hall now, Phil’s hand gripped so tightly in mine I think I can feel his bones rearranging.

Yet I can’t bring myself to let go, I think I’m hyperventilating actually, the world is blotting in and odd like it’s got a bad filter. I can feel my lip start to quiver and immediately after my body follows.

“Hey Dan, wait a second.” Phil pulls me back a little.

I turn to look him in the eyes, unable to tame my spaccato breaths. He looks at me with a worried gaze. “Do you think you can do this?”

“Yes, yes I can Phil. I told you didn’t I?” I whisper in reply going on my tip toes to kiss him reassuringly.

“You are a strong man Dan. I’m going to be next to you the entire time. I love you so much.” Phil smiles before pulling me to the door.

The reaction is instant, my parents are all smiles and waves. Then they see me, the real me, and the smiles are gone.

“Danielle?” My father asks curiously.

“Hi d-dad.” I stuttered, cursing myself for being so weak.

“What the hell are you wearing?” My mother snaps immediately, she strides over to me and glares at my hair.

“M-m-om. I am a boy.” The words hurt, my chest is pounding and my head feels like it’s made of air. This is it, this is it, this is it.

“No your not.” My mother bites.

“Yes I a-m,” I can feel the tears prickling and fuck it all, I let them fall, wringing my hands nervously.

“But your a girl. Your name is Danielle, you have a vagina and boobs. Are you ill?” She raises an eyebrow.

Over her head I flash my father a ‘help’ look and gasp when I see him shaking in anger, giving Phil a death glare.

Oh god, this isn’t what I wanted.

“Not all girls have a vagina and boobs and some boys do. That’s my problem. I’m a boy mom, and I’ve got the money to become one soon.” I try to console her.

At that moment the worst comes crashing down around us.

“Did you make her think like this?” My father goes for Phil.

'Her’ the word itself makes the tears running down my face gain speed.

“Wh-” Phil tries to answer.

My mother spins on him now, I swear I can see the smoke pillowing from her ears as the worst gets worser.

“Yes you! You’ve destroyed my daughter! Screwed with her head!” She sticks her finger in Phil’s face and his grip on my hand tightens.

“Oh stop pointing fingers! This isn’t your fault or his fault this isn’t anyones fault! This is me and you can’t accept that… then you don’t love me as much as you claimed you did.” I snap, the train pulls away behind us and I notice the crowd we’ve attracted with all this screaming.

“You shut your mouth girl!” My father turns redder and redder, his hands tightening to fists.

“I. Am. A. Boy and my name is Daniel. There are so many people like me. I. Am. Not. Crazy and known of this is Phil’s fault. God he’s been better to me about this whole thing then you will ever be! If you don’t accept who I am than you don’t deserve to be my parents!” I’m screaming now, the ball in my throat hurting now.

“Go home Danielle. Tell us when you’ve gotten out of these sick fantasies.” My mother snaps, beginning to turn her back.

“Phil!” A little squeal suddenly declares, running between my parents and pulling his legs into a death hug.

Phil giggles as he crouches down and hugs my niece with the same enthusiasm.

“Hey Phil!” My brother comes to, laughing with his wife holding my nephew in her arms. “Where’s Da-” She begins to ask before her eyes fall on me.

My family grows silent and I feel myself start shaking again.

“H-H-i Ryan. Kris.” I greet them both, faking a smile.

“Hey.” Ryan says as he pulls me into a bear hug.

He asks weirdly nonchalant about the whole thing, acting as if nothing has changed at all.

“Who are you?” My niece, Rose asks her little eyebrows arched.

“I’m Danielle.” I answer, crouching down to meet her eyes.

“But you look like a boy.” Rose says, my brother sharply saying her name.

“No, I’ve actually looked like a girl this entire time. I’m a boy.” I explain carefully.

“Oh, like when we wear costumes in class.” She answers as if she’s reached this profound conclusion.

“Yep, just like that. My name is actually Daniel, you can call me Uncle Dan.” I clarify, more tears sliding down my cheeks.

“Okay, it’s very nice to meet you Uncle Dan.” She raises her hand and I shake it gently, grinning like an idiot.

She goes back over to Ryan and he smiles at me with happy eyes.

“The day a 7 year old is more considerate and loving then my parents is a day I did not want to ever see.” I whisper under my breath.

“The day my daughter got sick in the head was a day I did not ever want to see.” My mother answers.

“Hey, that’s son to you.” My brother answers instantly while he pulls me into a tighter hug.

“Welcome to the family Dan. I’m glad to meet you like this and not in a fricking coffin from people not loving the man behind the costume.” My brother’s wife shakes my hand and joins in on the group hug.

“Thank you both so much. You have no idea what this means to me.” I joke on my own spit and sob. Rose hugging my leg.

“Don’t cry Uncle Dan, this is a good thing.”

-~-

A day later Phil and I were cuddled up in bed at 6am, Phil’s grip tight around my waist and as he holds me to his chest.

I had just woken up but Phil was still asleep, his face buried in my shoulder. I snuggle against his chest and wipe some tears from my eyes.

The binder sits across the room with my suitcase. I always take it off before I sleep or when my chest starts hurting, it’s a safety precaution I know I have to do but I still hate to be without it.

“Dan?” Somebody whispers, knocking on the door gingerly.

“C'mon. Quiet though, Phil’s asleep.” I let them in with a quiet voice.

My brother opens the door, smiling with a single tear on his chin. “Somebodies on the phone for you.”

He hands me the old landline and I press the speaker to my ear, shuffling out of Phil’s death grip.

“Dan.” My mother whispers, her voice cracking.

“Mom.” I answer with little to no enthusiasm. What could she want to hate about me now?

“Daniel oh thank god. Please you’ve got to listen to me.” My mother chokes. “I don’t want to lose you, my son, I don’t want you to hate yourself because I let you believe I hate you.”

“What is this about mom?” I ask and shoo from Ryan from the room.

My heart swells in my chest. Daniel, my son.

“Dan I love you so much. No matter who you are I love you so much and your father does to. We’re so stupid Dan, so stupid I love you I’m sorry.”

“Why now?” I ask, tears crawling from my eyes to the bed sheets.

“I Googled 'transgender’ and there’s so much death Dan. So much. I can’t do that to you, I can’t kill you your my da– son your my son. Oh god I’m so sorry I said that. Son son son son.” My mother chokes and stumbles on every word.

“I’m your son, my name is Daniel. I love you guys so much. Thank you.” I whisper as a small sob escapes me.

“You’re my son, your name is Daniel. I love you. My Daniel. I’m so proud of you.” My mother whispers and the acceptance makes my heart feel like it’s going to explode in my chest.

“Love you mom.” I answer.

“I love you son. Do you want to have dinner with us tonight?” She asks and I answer immediately.

“Yes of course.”

We talk for a few minutes before they both head out to work and I turn to see Phil’s eyes wide and brimming with tears.

“Did they?”

“Yeah. Were going to dinner with them later. They love me Phil, they love me.” I bury my face in his chest and wrap my arms under his shoulders


	3. Chapter 3

It’s a solid month later that I get the pill bottle. Phil and I sit at the kitchen counter, both quietly staring at the translucent orange cylinder and thinking.

I’ve heard so many horror stories from transphobic arses on the internet that the idea of popping a little pill has me terrified. What if my voice gets stuck in the awkward puberty stage? What if my shoulder’s don’t broaden like they’re supposed too? What if my facial hair doesn’t grow correctly and it comes off patchy? What if what if what if.

“I- I don’t know if I can do this.” I finally admit, the bottle fitting perfect in the palm of my hand.

“Why not?” Phil asks curiously, walking around the counter to hug my side.

“It’s just- scary isn’t it? What if something goes wrong? What if the doctor calls and says it’s to late I’ve waited to long, it’s over.” Quietly I stare at my hands, twiddling my thumbs and swallowing down the bile in my throat.

“Oh Dan. It’s not over, you’re going to be okay I promise. You need to look on the bright side for once.” Phil sets his head in the crook of my neck. His hair tickling my neck and jaw.

“Well I’m sorry the whole world isn’t a giant sun to me, thinking like that gets you burned.” I answer monotony, wrapping my arm around his waist and tugging him into a sloppy side hug.  

“Yeah but it’s a hell of a lotta fun before that.” Phil laughs and takes the bottle form my tightly wound fingers.

I laugh too, just because the sound feels nice in my throat, now ball signalling tears, no suffocation, laughter and happiness. Belief and possibility meet as one, I can do, I’ve waited much to long for this to stop now.

Gently I pull the bottle from Phil’s grasp and pop the cap, giving Phil a shaky smile before taking the necessary one. I chug a glass of water immediately and thank god the pill didn’t get stuck halfway. That kind of stuff terrifies me.

“You know, they say this stuff is going to increase my sex drive.” I tell Phil as a side note and he laughs.

“Good to know. I’ll buy a crotch cup.” Phil answers and moves to hug my shoulders from behind. “To protect my precious manhood from your grabby hands.”

“You love my grabby hands you spork.” I laugh, grabbing his arms and keeping them close.

“I am not a spork. I am one of those spoons made of a human leg bone.”

“Do they actually have those?”

“I’ll Google it. Be back in a flash.”

-~-

Three days later we decided to Skype Phil’s parents and I realized I haven’t filmed a video in 2 months.

Jesus the fans are going to picket riots in the streets.

The blue Skype screen brightens then begins to darken as we get connected with the Lesters. Them sitting on the couch in their living room and us in ours. My hair is short as always and my binder is tight around my rib cage.

I take a heavy breath, letting the demons fly away in my last breath. It’s time.

“Hullo!” Mrs. Lester waves and smiles.

“Hi!” Phil and I chirp at the same time, turning to face each other with matching glares.

Mr. Lester only laughs then asks the question that stops my blood every single time. “Hello, my name is Edward and this is Linda, are you Danielle’s brother?”

My hands are shaking in my lap and I fidget on the sofa. “No, I’m Danielle, call me Dan please.”

Silence, the tension building between us is burning into my heart and it’s Mrs. Lester who breaks the silence. “Nice to meet you Dan. Is this what are spontaneous call is all about? You guys can call us for leisure we have nothing going on… ever.”

Mr. butts in to say something but Mrs. gives him a glare like no other and turns to us again.

“Yeah I’m sorry. We’ve just been really busy this past month.” Phil shrugs then giggles an octave too high.

“That doesn’t make up for not sending a cat emoji my way.”

“So you’re a boy.” Mr. says, making the blood drain from my face and cold tingles replace it.

“Y-y-yes.” I stutter out, Phil putting his arm over my shoulder and gripping it tight.

Mr. nods, looking awkward at the keyboard. “And how long have you been a boy?” He asks and I can feel Phil trying not to snap.

“Since I was born.”

It falls into awkward silence before Mr. questions again. “And Phil your… okay with this.”

I can feel myself cracking inside and shove Phil’s arm off my shoulder, hopping off the bed and racing out the door towards my bedroom.

“Dad!” Is the last thing I hear Phil say before slamming his bedroom door and laying facedown on his duvet.

The apartment is quiet after that, I bury my face in the blankets and try to breathe in Phil’s scent. Yet for the first time maybe ever it doesn’t help. Not one bit.

I’m breaking down and Phil isn’t helping. Oh god.

He doesn’t deserve to help you, you’re an idiot, a stupid trans faggot nobody loves.

FUCK FUCK FUCK

My head is screaming at me and I can’t stop it, I need it to end, please god let it end. ‘She, fag, trans, her, idiot, liar, useless’ everything is being thrown at me, nothing can be worse than this, nothing nothing nothing.

I need it to end, I need to end, I should’ve gone to my room at least there I know where everything sharp is.

I want to die die die die

And for the first time I could care less. My hands feel around and I catch hold of something soft, maybe it’s that weird stuffed animal/pencil sharpener I got Phil last Christmas. There is a razor in their, all I need is a screwdriver.

Instead I pull something entirely different to my face, Lion. Lion from all those videos I used to watch over and over again, Lion that used to be propped on my shoulder at every available moment and Phil. Phil. Oh god what have mess have I left the poor boy in.

I breath in a large hunk of air, holding Lion tight to my chest and snuggling in the spot on the bed Phil frequented. Then I screamed. “PHIL!”

He reacted instantly as I thought he would. He ran into the room full speed. “Oh Dan thank god. I couldn’t find you, he breathes.

"Can you give me the camera please?”

“Yes of course. Do you really think it’s ti-”

“Please. Before I change my mind.”

Phil nods and heads over to the office while I sit in silence.

'The Real Me,’ that’s what I’ve decided to name it, a strong name for a strong boy. No room for criticism, this is what i am and it’s time I stopped hiding from it.


	4. Chapter 4

1 month later

It was time.

I sat at one of the doctor’s office chairs, scrolling through the loving comments of my latest video, ‘The Real Me.’ Sure some people were angry and sent me hate yet another part of the phandom pulled through. Showering me in love and support.

Tears filled my eyes as I read some of the inspirational messages. People saying I was there biggest inspiration and I helped them come out to their families.

Phil sat down next to me and shoves an ice cream cone in my hand. “You ready?”

“Yeah. Yeah I’m ready. I’ve been ready a long time.” I answer and hold his hand tight in mine.

The receptionist hummed some pop song to herself and I took a large bite of my ice cream to stop myself from telling her to shut up.

The weird part was I wasn’t mad at this woman for anything I actually felt quite calm. It was I had the sudden urge to run from the room and never come back. A part of me scared out of my mind that this wasn’t the doctor I needed and he would somehow mess up the entire surgery.

God, I need to learn to trust people more.

“You have to stay calm Dan. You look like you’re going to pass out.” Phil whispers in my ear while he gives my hand a reassuring squeeze. “And look at the bright side, you didn’t name your youtube channel "danielleisnotonfire” so you don’t have to change it.

I roll my eyes and smile. “Dork.”

“Nerd.” Phil answers back immediately, nuzzling into my shoulder.

There’s this thing about Phil, he knows me so much better than anyone else on the planet. It isn’t that we’ve lived together for a long time that he knows all these wondrous things about me, it’s that he pays attention to the little things. The way I stand when I’m feeling nervous or insecure. Or the way I talk when I am angry or scared. He can see through the walls I built so well and it makes me happier than I’ve ever been.

Like right now, right now he’s knows I am nervous and when I’m nervous I need to feel like I’m protecting something. I need to feel needed when I’m nervous so I have something else to think about accept the thing in my head.

So Phil cuddles close to me and I use one arm to hold him. The other is shoving my ice cream down my throat because my appointment in scheduled in 3 minutes.

“Why did you buy us ice cream anyway?”

“I went into the store looking for Maltesers but they didn’t have any so I got guilt ice cream.”

“Of course you did.”

“Hey you got ice cream and I don’t see you complaining.” Phil pokes my cheek and I snort - quite unattractively I may add - and pushes his hand away from me.

“I like chocolate.”

“Sure sure, hide your undying love for me.”

I roll my eyes again and the receptionist coughs to get our attention. “Dan Howell?” She asks.

“Yes that’s me.” I stand and push my ice cream come into Phil’s hand.

“Second door on the left.” She smiles kindly and points down a hallway.

I nod because my tongue feels twisted inside my mouth and turn. Phil and I wave goodbye since he isn’t allowed inside the operating room and I take the steps towards my future.

-~-

“Wow.” I whisper for the 50th time, Phil’s arms around me waist again except this time I’m not wearing any clothes.

“I know. You look like a absolutely beautiful.” He smiles and buries his head in my shoulder.

“Honestly when don’t I look beautiful?” I answer with a little laugh, carding my fingers through Phil’s hair.

“Never. Although we can say I am the prettiest one in the house.”

“No way. I am the prettiest prince in the castle.” I puff out my chest and regret it as a tinge of pain erupts from the two half oval scars under my nipples. I only got the top surgery for now yet I couldn’t be happier with the half transition.

“If I’m not being intrusive,” Phil begins to ask as I pull up my boxers again and heads towards the bedroom. “What does it feel like to be… you know… wrong?”

I think this over while Phil and I cuddle up on his bed. My cheek pressed to his shoulder and his arms wound tight around me.

“Well, remember when they spoke about Evil Knievel and they tested his brain?”

“Yeah, I think I read about it. Care to re-indulge me?”

“Sure you dork. Anyway, they said that Knievel - and all daredevils for that matter - never felt normal unless they were doing a stunt or something insane no human would think of doing. I treat myself in that aspect, I don’t feel normal unless I’m thinking about being a boy. Not necessarily in the dressing or the actions because I don’t think boy/girl actions are anything different. Just thinking about being a boy and putting myself in that mind set, makes me feel… safer, more secure than I would normally feel. I don’t know, that probably sounds like shit I’m sorry.”

I bury my face in the crook Phil’s neck, fingers curling in the hair on the other side of his head and one of my thighs hitched over his hip in a ballerina style.

“Dan I am so proud of you, honestly. I am so happy you are happy and I love you so so much.”

“I love you too Phil, thanks for sticking with me.” I sniff and sigh.

“I bet I love you more.” Phil challenges and I raise an eyebrow.

“How?”

“I bet I can more things I love about you than you can.” Phil smiles and I prop my elbows on either side of his head to look him in the eyes.

“Go on then Lester, give it a shot.”

“Are you keeping count because this list may be hefty.”

“Yes yes I’ve got it slow poke. Your time starts… NOW.”

“I love your curly hair, your straight hair, I love the way your eyes light up in the sun, I love how amazing your eyebrows are like damn, I love your tummies pudge, I love your little piercings because then I can get you the weirdest piercings from Claire’s. I love your smile and the little dimple that looks like the sad emoticon, I love when you laugh so hard you have to put your head down on the desk. I love when you get mad and instead of bottling up your anger you make the most articulate and linguistic speeches in the world. I love you strong you are and the way you standed up for yourself in a world determined to shove you back into a box. I love your soul and the way you try your hardest to make everyone around you happier before you even begin on yourself and I-.”

“Okay okay Phil stop before I start crying!” I cut him off and kiss all over his face softly before pressing my lips to his.

“Are you sure because I’ve got more.” Phil starts but I slap his chest light as possible.

“Don’t! I’ll burst into tears and you’ll have to kiss snot lips.”  

“Gross. That’s the least romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.”

“Oh really. I could do worse if I wanted too.”

“Trust me I don’t want to know.” Phil laughs and I watch the way his eyes crinkle and his tongue goes to stick out before he catches himself.

“You’re beautiful Phil.” I can’t help whisper and massage his scalp once again.

“Don’t you mean beauti-Phil.”

“Shut up you dingus.”


End file.
